Mei-Fern

Complacent

2012-02-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

I have been complacent these days.

I have a mind which once it has decided, will see nothing else. I forget that not the rest of the world will see or feel the same. I speak with fire of the things I feel strongly about and I forget that what fills me, may not fill others.

I don't see enough sometimes. Of the things around me and of the people around me.

I have been complacent these days.

With the hearts and the needs of those around me.

But I am fortunate.

Fortunate that reminders always come into play whenever I start to forget.

I am trying to be good.

I really am.

Old, old, very old picture.

The unfortunate thing about being a melancholic writer is that everything sounds gloomier than it seems. Though I do assure you, my days are really, quite bright.

Catch Up Post 4 - Sarah and Cheyenne in the Wind

2012-02-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

Just before Christmas, Sarah set us up to meet with Cheyenne, a very young (16!) girl who makes lots of pretty pictures. The day before Christmas was dull, grey, and wet. With dirty feet from the wet grass and cameras, we spent a morning beside a lake with the wind all around us. Both girls had such beautiful hair, the moment I saw the wind sweeping through those long strands, there was nothing else I wanted to photograph. Only wind and hair. Only wind and hair.

Catch Up Post 3 - A Toast to 12 Months

2012-02-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

December is a much loved month for me. And a major reason for that is because it brings with it, the homecoming of so many people I love. For the past 8 years now, us girls have always ushered in a new year at the Toyad's. After so many years, I think it's safe to say we've seen all kinds of new years. The ones which had us glued to the game consoles, the ones which had us going to bed only after dawn had arrived, the ones which had us in tears, the ones that saw us with hope, and the ones that saw truly for the first time, the changes in us as we grew up.

2012's eve was particularly quiet for us as we were missing some parts of us - those who were not able to make it back home. And yet, it is always a comfort to go into the Toyad home and know, there you find all these people who have grown so different and yet nothing has changed. The older we get, the more we are forged by our history and our growing up together. But that's what's precious. Knowing we are still there simply because we cherish what we have. Simply because we accept each other, warts and all. These girls more than anything, have given me a place where I know I can go to and not be judged. I have always held that close to me.

Celebrating 2011

Sasha's groovy nails could only have gone with a groovy drink. No less.

Seok Yee's necklace which I liked

Getting my fill of Christmas baubles at the Toyads as always

Lounging, talking, laughing

Valerie smiles for the camera

So does Sasha

More than buddies

Sasha the purple dancing butterfly

Posing for the camera

Calling 'Happy New Year' to a loved one

Running out into the streets for fireworks

2012

Watching fireworks with the rest of the party

I like incomprehensible pictures. Probably because they mean something to probably only me.

After the show

Valerie happy

Jill winding down (or maybe not)

Seok Yee smiling at Sasha

8 years.

We've had it good. Boy, have we had it good.

Catch Up Post 2 - Creating Worlds in Sand

2012-02-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

Shortly after my finals, I attended a workshop for sandplay therapy. My first encounter with this form of therapy was during a mini workshop organized by one of the student clubs. I was intrigued before the first encounter and I was intrigued after. I couldn't pass up the chance of a three day workshop when the opportunity presented itself.

Most people I've shared my experience of the workshop with would ask me what sandplay is. The simplest explanation of sandplay is the use of a sandbox and miniatures as a form of therapeutic expression.

To move the self through working in the sand, by building our worlds in the sand, that to me is incredible.

An exercise where we had to choose a representation of ourselves

Group collection of various representations from other participants

Journaling our thought processes and feelings throughout the learning experience

A sandplay therapist's world is a magical one, I feel. Full of toys!

Imagine walking into the office everyday to shelves and shelves of toys and figurines!

The child in me would not stay still those three days.

Two robots making peace

The nymph watching them.

One can only imagine the kind of world a sandplay therapist lives in.

Today, I so firmly believe that the workshop was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. Ever. It was one of those moments when you can almost physically feel yourself stretch and grow bigger as your world expands, shifts, changes.
Playing in the sand shifted something in me, it was almost as if another part of me clicked into place. I felt truly for the first time, the reason why I chose to study what I did. I always knew my degree was not wrong for me, but exactly how and what I never found. How ironic it happened immediately after I ended.

Family work.

Like many of the exercises we did, this family one meant a great deal of something to me. In some ways, I needed to build this. It reminded me of a great many things I may have been starting to forget and reconciled certain parts of myself I had been trying to understand. In jest (or maybe not), I think every Psychology student would have heard this - that sometimes family related therapy work is really, the biggest can of worms.

A personal world

I very consciously built my personal world to reflect the transition I know is upon me. Everything in the sand represents something, from the figurines to the raised hill, to the etchings in the sand. It is incredible how the process works. Picking out my figurines, I didn't know what I'd use them for. I only knew I wanted to take them with me to my tray. When I started to build my world, everything fell into place. Everything I picked out could be used to represent something in my world. Building my world, I remembered and reflected so clearly on the things which had brought me to the now, the place I am coming out from, my peace, and my tomorrows.

Girl is happy.

It was all such a liberating, rejuvenating three days. I honestly did not have enough.

It is not often when we feel so loudly the clicks of the pieces to ourselves falling into place. The first time I felt it was with photography at 16. Now at 22, it's sand. I know, with a lot of clarity that somewhere in me, I am drawn to this work. Work that has the capability to heal and give clarity has always been a powerful draw for me. And while there are many ways to do so, for those three days and until now, I feel like a part of me is there with the sand. It involves a great deal of elements I am comfortable with. (The toys probably add to that - no, not kidding)
But as much as I have been moved, for now, it isn't for me to chase the sand. The work these therapists do is incredible. There is so much one has to give in doing work as such. So much purity of heart that goes into it. So much of the self to give. I don't believe I am that person. Yet. Who knows, maybe one day I will realign my life to this. But not now. Because my time now is for other things. A first love.

I am only glad for such experiences. The ones that stretch you, move you, shift the pieces of you around so you are once again changed.

If you are interested in learning more, the following links might help.

Wikipedia for the short and simple.

Sandplay Therapists of America for the long version.

Jennifer Kerner - The therapist who conducted the workshop I was in.

Catch Up Post 1 - Night of Fire and Rain

2012-01-30T20:16:00.000+08:00

My December and January were so busy and I have so much to record down. But with Chinese New Year over, the transition between graduation and what comes next only means I have time now to finally sit down and sort out all the memories from the past two months.

Back in December, the class had a cookout to end our year together. I've loved my time with these people. In the year we had together we've gotten close enough to laugh with each other and at each other. There have been many an interesting joke or conversation in between all the hard, nose-grinding work we've had to go through. These are a bunch of people full of humour and who are so very intelligent and capable of many great things now and in the future. It was only a year, but I have never regretted making the choice for a year that included all of them.

Fire sparks

Edward and Jon playing football by the pool

Busy as a bee

The girls - unintentionally colour coordinated

We buttered chicken wings, more than we could eat and opened a really good bottle of wine and made s'mores (so good) before we ran out of marshmallows.

Somewhere in between all that, it started to rain and we had to scurry to the nearest shelter.

The boys moving the fire

They were cold after the rain and I love this picture because it makes me laugh

Edward playing football with neighbours

High five for a job well done

It is not too long ago that my results came out confirming my graduation. Looking back, the journey has really seemed a long one. But I have loved every second I've been in school after high school. It was where I have grown the most. It was where I have loved and lost and transitioned to love somemore, bigger, definitely better. It was where I met people I know I will want to keep years from now.

I cannot deny that midway through I knew I was outgrowing school. That the place was once again not going to be big enough for me to grow in the ways I want. But it was still a safe place. A happy place. I felt supported and I felt loved. And while four years was long, so very long, I don't regret staying and completing.

The last few months of school were the most difficult when I felt so ready to jump out of my skin and into all the other things I do not know of. But the last few months had lessons I could learn from. And really, perhaps what I really learnt is that it is all good. And that there is no reason, none at all, for me to not believe in the goodness that awaits.

Last year this year

2012-01-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

Rhys and Raffa

2012-01-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

A few months back, Aurelia had me do a shoot with her nephews. It was a hot, hot day and we shot from mid morning till about noon before we had to seek refuge in the house (bliss). I loved most the time spent in the living room even if the set up was not the best because it allowed me to really watch the boys and go into that quiet picture taking corner in me. There is so much love between the brothers it was good to just watch. The family used the pictures of the boys as a birthday present for mummy and I really wanted to do good. I felt so blessed that they so generously trusted and gave me the opportunity to be a part of all that. The boys were amazing to shoot and I had such a good time with them, I think I went home a little bit in love. But I think that's how the best pictures always turn out - when you are enamoured by who or what you shoot. And while I generally cannot stand watermarks on pictures, I watermarked these after getting permission from the boys' parents to share the pictures. These are babies and I do feel very protective over the pictures of them.
I will do a proper New Year post soon. In the meantime, I hope everyone had an amazing welcoming of 2012 filled with lots of love.

Golden

2011-12-31T19:35:00.001+08:00

Sunset on New Year's Eve.

One of those where the world is bathed in gold.

Little girl trapeze artist

2011-12-27T03:24:00.000+08:00

Little Girl Trapeze Artist

Old. Written December 7th, 2011.

Our eyes met the other day.

And today after I woke up from a dream of a little boy and a little girl trapeze artist who told the little boy I like so much that we were all meant to be who we are and that that was okay, I remembered our eyes meeting in the hallway and how that could very well be the last time I will see you ever. And tonight as I think of the little girl trapeze artist from the circus and you and us and all that we made ourselves to be I think of how when our eyes met just now, I felt nothing. And how all I saw was a stranger and all I felt between us was empty. And I remember the ways we planned to always be in each other's lives and the other ways we planned to love each other because we couldn't love each other. And I think of how you loved me but couldn't love me and how you gave me but couldn't give me and how that was okay because I loved you but I was sad and how that was all okay but I was broken, too. And I thought of how I wore you out and I understand everything, and it's all okay. I think of how it was wonderful and excruciating and powerful, like a tornado and how strange the strangeness of you is now. We are a ghost town. The remains and ruins and remnants of an after disaster. A place no longer liveable. And I think of how much we had overflowing between us and how there is nothing left and I think of how sad and broken I used to be and how full and hopeful I am now and I marvel at us, at the distance between here and then, at what it is to be human. And so I take a moment to see again and cry because just for a moment I remember the girl who loved so hard she broke herself and I thought she had left me when I shed her to be new but maybe we all must carry a little of the past in us especially the ones that ultimately made us new and that in that sense, to sometimes remember the past again and feel sad is okay.

Things that shine

2011-12-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

Rushing a late, very important submission (actually, rush? what rush? I'm already late). But this made me laugh. She's a genius with her words, she really is. I hope everyone's having a good, good weekend! xx

Permanent

2011-11-17T23:57:00.001+08:00

Someday, someday.

Parachutes

2011-11-15T00:39:00.000+08:00

Such an incredible piece.

Dreaming of Sunday

2011-11-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's been one of those long weeks you think will never end.

But it's Friday now and after battling traffic for 2.5 hours with joint aches and a heavy head, I am glad to be home and going to bed soon.

This week's running around in sun and rain has taken its toll and I now feel the oncomings of a flu.

But I've had some pretty good moments with the children I have been working with. At their best, they really are delightful and say the funniest things.

I still have work tomorrow, so I really am dreaming of Sunday when I can sleep in, eat a proper meal, and recuperate for the coming week.

I'm leaving some photos from a shoot I had with Aurelia (who has always been wonderful to me) about a month or so back.

This space has been lacking images, so it's about time.

Take care everyone, and lots of love.

Time

2011-10-24T19:03:00.000+08:00

Hectic schedules and nonstop days have left me with little time to write here.

Having so many deadlines makes one hyper aware of time. I count my time not in days, but in hours now.

Recently, I've also come to realize how time has healed.

Two years ago, was the hardest day I've ever had to see. I have never forgotten how excruciating it was to feel such overwhelming joy, pride, love, and pain all at the same time. A heart cannot be polarized like that without ripping apart.

A year ago, the pain was still there. But it was a weighing ache, not sharp and searing.

This year, if I try hard enough, I can remember more love than pain. This year on the day of it's anniversary, I had opportunities to do good work, to learn. To remember pain from love and how it's supposed to teach us to love more.

How much things can change and how much in abundance we can be given!

Time has given me choices everyday to try and be better. Some days I forget. But I try my darnest not to.

The past week has seen me doing new things. Trying on my own to do the things I've been trying to work towards. I will share these stories soon.

In terms of the work I need to do in order to finish school, I feel at a calm even if things are not working out exactly to the T. My efforts are not insincere, and I will find ways to be at peace with whatever the outcome may be.

Thought I'd share something this week. Maybe you will find something among the list of 20 that will touch you in some way.

(taken from Dani Brubaker, whose work and words I have admired)

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth - whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people's thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life's lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self - all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others - especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

Happy

2011-09-17T01:41:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking of many things.

Different things, but all inextricably woven together.

I've been thinking of love. How much I think of love! In both an immediate, transient sense and an immediate, all encompassing sense. Love has become something I want to strive to know, to understand, to live.

I've been thinking of money. How I have things to finance and how as I've grown older, I want more and more nothing to do with money. Because it's nothing. Nothing about it will ever fill the spaces in me.

I've been thinking of falling short. How very recently I had one chance to be so much better, to do the absolute right thing and chose to fail. But karma has already paid me back. I accept that.

I've been thinking of a meaning and a beyond. A 'beyond this'. A 'beyond me'. This 'beyond' I cannot talk about because I don't know. Because when you don't know, there isn't anything much to say.

I've been thinking of peace. To a great extent I am at peace.

I've been thinking of faith and life. And how I have great faith in life. How life has shown me that things will always be okay, that all my fears are smoke and not much more. That there is a greater part of me that is quiet, still, and to a large extent, unshakable. I trust my instincts and I trust my intentions. And the intricacies of the things I need to know but has not yet been revealed to me, I wait for it. I think I have come to be okay with facing uncertainties. I just wait for it. After all, you are never certain until you've been uncertain. And I have great faith that I will always be taken care of.

I've been thinking of many things. Different things.

And I think I haven't yet had time to examine and synthesize things until now.

And I think all I truly wanted to say is this.

I am happy.

And that is all.

Falling purple

2011-08-29T00:51:00.000+08:00

Second part of the shoot with Sarah.

It's really easy to get pretty pictures with Sarah simply because not only is she pretty, but everything she does is pretty! Sometimes I think she lives by pretty (if that made sense). Just take a look at her blog and I think you'll see what I mean.

The day of the shoot was a good day. I've been experiencing some camera block (not unlike writer's block) for some time now due to reasons I'm still trying to iron out. But for now, it was good just to hear the sound of the shutter again.

Random 1: Sometimes I think living in the tropics makes us crave for a little more colour amidst the deep, lush greens which surround us.

Random 2: As I write this, I have Purple Rain by Prince playing in my head.

Sarah on the pier

2011-08-27T14:31:00.001+08:00

Recently did an outfit shoot with Sarah at one of my favourite places in the city. There is something about being near water that is so incredibly soothing (maybe having one's roots in an island does that).

Despite dreams of sunbeams and yellow cast pictures, we got instead wet and grey. But of course we had to milk it for all it was worth.

I'm pretty happy with the pictures we came up with.

More to come.

To say what cannot be said, how do you say it?

2011-08-16T00:21:00.000+08:00

"... a place where language do not go".

I read that line somewhere in a book not too long ago.

I believe what the author meant had something to do with some state of psychosis. A place so terrible that all is elusive; and language as the bridge between the self to the self and everything else is invisible; nonexistent.

But it is true, isn't it? That sometimes language just fails. Not only with the terrible but also with the most beautiful. That some things, some beauty, some euphoria is elevated to such a level that there too, language ceases. And in the places where words should exist, there is just space swimming with all these things that you cannot speak, you can only be.

This person's work is for me, one such space.

It is work on a level beyond anything I've ever known.

And he makes my heart ache (in a good way) every single time.

To say what cannot be said, how do you say it?

Midweek reading

2011-07-29T17:23:00.000+08:00

Stumbling on perfection

2011-07-25T14:21:00.000+08:00

Once every so often you come across a picture, a word, a phrase that sticks with you. And every so often after that, when your mind wonders, that picture, word, or phrase will flit in and out of your mind. Simply because when you first laid eyes on it (or heard it, or read it) it was so pleasing, so hard to forget.

There's this lingerie line, The Loved One, whose lookbook images are exactly that for me. And every so often when I think of pictures (which I very often do), I find my mind drifting to this particular series of photographs.

Some who know me might know my love for light, pretty lingerie, tousled hair, and skin in pictures and The Loved One's series is absolute perfection (it doesn't help that I have the hugest girl crush on one of it's founders, Hannah Metz whom I think is all a woman should be and absolutely gorgeous). I won't steal their pictures and post them here, things as such are always better when viewed at their original source.

One day, when the right piece comes along, I'm going to get myself a nice little something from them. Cross my heart.

Ezekiel

2011-07-25T00:47:00.000+08:00

She crept a little closer. Trying to be as still as possible in her moving. As though she was afraid she’d break something in the air if she wasn't careful enough. They were only children still. Soft and glowing gold at their edges for all their innocence. She’d felt him. For all his strength and his two feet grounded, she’d felt him. His solitude, his ease in all his aloneness and the veiled vulnerability of all his loneliness. He was a boy of lion heart. A soldier. A warrior. A knight with all his softest parts encased save for his dark eyes in which all his stories lay. She crept a little closer still. They were only children. Soft and glowing gold at their edges for all their innocence. And all she wanted was to be friends.

Untitled

2011-07-19T02:22:00.000+08:00

October 2010

I haven't written here in so long. School work took up every waking hour in the past few weeks, leaving most things feeling dry, rushed, and uninteresting. And for the most part, I try not to fill this space with words that do not carry weight.

But now I finally have time to write again. And more than that I think I have things to say, stories to tell.

More soon.

The choice to make it count

2011-06-25T13:02:00.001+08:00

It has been quite the semester. For the first time in years (probably since I was a child), I found myself in tears over school work. I felt like the 7 year old who didn't know how to do her multiplications.

But the day of my thesis defense started off quite beautifully. The defense itself went well too. I'm fortunate.

I just have to remember what I said going into this. That no experience is wasted and this one will count for something. I'll make sure.

If I did everything half-cooked, I might as well quit school now.

And in the midst of making the very best out of my current obligations, I'll remember the things that make me happiest.

"Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results" - James Allen

The Weight of Regrets

2011-06-06T00:56:00.001+08:00

***

I have been swamped with work.

But in between all that work, I've also been having healthy doses of play.

Also have been trying to line up a few things in hopes of pushing myself further.

To be completely free of obligations will be a scary thing.

But at the same time I cannot wait for the chance to fully dive into an art that I have loved for so long but for the longest time, have also feared.

Life is unfolding as it is supposed to. This, I believe.

The beginnings are always chasing the ends.

2011-05-27T19:11:00.000+08:00

Never be afraid to have nothing

2011-05-17T23:25:00.001+08:00

A tad late, but I finally got 'round to my birthday photos.

A coffee session and a picnic party (had one for my 19th as well. Seems to be a theme with me) reminded me how lucky I got with the people around me. I have always said, no where else in life am I most blessed than when it comes to those around me. For someone who's so socially awkward, life has always seen that I am not alone.

The past three years, I break birthday candle precedent. I have found that it allows me to track myself year to year.

This time, the weight of turning a year older has been bearing down on me much more than I wish to admit. But as I stood in front of my candles waiting to make a wish, it dawned upon me that whatever it is I wanted for myself, for my future, for my dreams, I had no words to articulate. The rush, the chase, the pressure to start the journey I have always wanted to start is always at the fore of my mind so why did I have no words for it? It took me a while to understand. That it's time I truly take to heart what I have been saying all these while - everything has a time. If at this moment in time, I cannot find the words for what I want, then this, now, is where I'm supposed to be. And whatever I'm doing now, is what I am supposed to be doing. I just have to learn to trust myself to know when the time is right. I rush because I think the world doesn't wait. But in truth, I think I cannot wait for myself. And I have to. It really is about trusting myself, my instincts, my time.

The past year I've had so many moments where I was completely, utterly, perfectly alive. And all those moments, I wish for those whom I love. That those I hold closest and dearest to me will also have such moments of joy if not more for themselves.

Sometimes it's too easy to see the world cast grey. To lose grasp. To think our chains are our only reality, forgetting that everything we project into the world, we conceive first within the mind.

This year, I let fly into the wind, that thought of being alive, of loving, and my family and friends.

Never be afraid to have nothing.

To have nothing is to be free.

Macao

2011-05-02T02:09:00.000+08:00

Despite many things not so rosy, Macao had one moment of magic for me. Outside the Ruins of St. Paul, amidst the moving mass of tourists, there was a musician playing a traditional Chinese instrument (shame on me for not knowing what it's called). His music was so beautiful I needed to stay around him as long as I could. In his little corner just off the main entrance to what used to be a cathedral, he created a bubble that was cut off from the hustle and bustle of tourist sightseeing. A small group formed in front of him. An American family spoke to him. I wanted to as well but I was shy. So I took pictures of him from whatever cracks I could find in between the people around me. I wanted so much to speak to him. I didn't know what I wanted to say, but I wanted to say something, anything. But as always, fear held me back. There was one moment just as I clicked the shutter, he looked straight at me. I felt awkward, like I had been caught doing something dishonest, like I was sneakily taking something from him and he noticed. He gave me a picture I really liked, I should have thanked him. A while later, I suddenly realized my friends were waiting for me, and have probably waited a while. So I left. I wish I had had the courage to ask his name so I can maybe find him and his music again. That split second of a shutter click gave me a feeling I have yet to forget - like I suddenly thought I knew what it meant when photographers say people give you something of themselves when you take their picture. That split second of eye contact through my viewfinder made me feel guilty. Till today I haven't been able to shake off that feeling.

I like to define Macao by this moment instead of others because like I said Macao was not rosy. Our supposed 45 minute ferry ride turned into 90 minutes of torture due to bad weather. Stepping out into the city what struck me most was the gloom and grey. Macao is plenty like an old man surrounded by his wealth and opulence but with his glory and colour gone. Maybe the seasickness (I am very sensitive to motion) made me see the city this way, but then again, I found the endless hotels and casinos tacky. We didn't have accommodation as we had planned to wait the night out at the airport so we left our bags at the Venetian, rated 5 stars and full of porters and bellboys and all other kinds of people. But I'm very glad they had facilities for luggage and were obliging in giving me instructions on what to tell the cab driver. I spent some part of the night alone walking the almost empty streets of Rua de Cunha. I wanted to see more of the city outside the gambling. The stillness and lack of activity scared me a little bit (I was after all in a foreign country), but the old parts of town I could still appreciate and the dim streetlamps and quietness hinted at the potential of Macao which I up until that point was struggling to see. It was cold and I tried to enjoy it as much as possible knowing I would be facing the KL heat again once I got home the next afternoon. I ate ice cream even though I was freezing and found that if there was one other thing I loved about Macao besides the musician, it was their ice-cream.

I took a cab back to the Venetian when I got restless and walked around taking pictures of all the extravagance before meeting up with my friends again. At the hotel we were restless too. We spent some time in the casino talking and people watching. I tried not to be irked but just watch instead. We were indirectly hinted at to leave if we were not going to be gambling. We couldn't sleep there so we went to the airport to wait the night out as planned only we found the airport was closed. It was so, so cold and there were only us and the security guards but at least they told us we were welcome to sleep on the chairs which at that point was the only thing we wanted.

After Hong Kong, Macao was not an experience I enjoyed very much. Maybe it was the seasickness. Maybe it was the grey. Maybe it was the endless number of casinos and the fact that gambling is a huge turn off for me. But then again it did give me one very precious moment and some very good ice-cream. Whatever it is, maybe one day I'll give Macao another try.

Dare to Chase, Dare to Move (100th post dedication)

2011-04-27T21:23:00.001+08:00

There are not many things I champion in life the way Ichampion those who dream and chase. To me, there isn’t anything moreheartwarming or inspiring than those who try to build things or try to changethe world they are in in a positive way. Recently, a dear friend of mine hasbeen trying to do exactly just that.

Daryll Tan is someone Imet back during our college days. Four years have since passed and I would notbe exaggerating if I said he is one of the liveliest, most passionate people Iknow. I have yet to meet someone with an imagination quite like his. He isunafraid to dream, unafraid to chase, and unafraid to believe.

Lately he’sleapt into the big world of online advertising with his new company ChaseMotions. Specializingin multimedia advertising, ChaseMotions aims to be a one stop platform for allthose looking to market and create an online presence. Lest it be said thatChaseMotions just produces ads and nothing else, do know that SEO and socialmedia solutions are also tied in to create a complete marketing campaign.

At the cruxof it all, I think we Malaysians are still babies when it comes to usingmultimedia advertising, SEO, and social media as marketing outlets. So it’squite an awesome thing ChaseMotions is doing by trying to fill this gap andproviding Malaysian businesses with more opportunities to expand their reach.

The worldis only as big as you know (a quote I once read in a book and have since livedby) and I think we Malaysians have a whole world out there online that we haveyet to explore. So yes, I am quite proud that Daryll is taking the lead andtrying to create more opportunities for us Malaysians with ChaseMotions.

So here’s alittle shout out to all of you if you love new adventures, if you know whatpassion means, if you love to see boundaries pushed, or if you just love tosupport those who live their lives trying to build something good, take a lookat the links below and follow the lead of ChaseMotions to link, share, spread!

SeeChaseMotions

LikeChaseMotions

FollowChaseMotions

And oh! Before Iforget, ChaseMotions is also involved in recruiting specialized talents foradvertising campaigns and promotional purposes and events. So if you dance, domartial arts, extreme sports, or any of that sort of thing, just get in contactwith them!

One day I'm gonna whistle?

2011-04-23T02:24:00.000+08:00

This song has always made me incredibly happy.

And discovering the cover by Jorge and Alexa only made me so much happier I sat like a goon grinning at my screen.

Too precious not to share.

I hope someday I'll have a little tot and a nice guitar playing man to listen to as well. =D

Treats

2011-04-21T01:12:00.000+08:00

Recently I watched Somewhere.
I found Sofia Coppola's images intoxicating. It was so acutely vulnerable, stark, grey, and yet at the same time so dreamy and colourful and pretty. I loved how her vision could be so simple and yet have such depth.
I also couldn't get over how well Elle Fanning suited the aesthetic of Sofia Coppola's images.
You know that moment when everything just falls into place and there is that one split second when 'boom!', it's all perfect? Well, after a while Somewhere ceased to be a movie and instead became one very long, very brilliant moment of 'the-stars-were-all-aligned' perfection.

Another thing the movie reminded me was my fascination with Elle Fanning. I've actually been meaning to blog a little about her, and I suppose now is the time.
Because honestly, I'm quite in love with the way she looks.
If I could one day put a face so inspiring in front of my camera, well!
And of course a quick little Youtube search yielded the video below. More visual treats, if you must. *beams*

Stills (Chapter 2) The World of Suzie Wong

2011-04-01T13:37:00.002+08:00

It was during my time in Hong Kong when I was reminded of The World of Suzie Wong, a long forgotten book I had read back when I was 11 or 12.

The storyline is fuzzy, but I do remember this white man meeting a Chinese woman among all the smoke and screens and incense of a Chinese brothel. It was all very mysterious and worldly and probably the exaggerated Western imagination of what the Oriental East was back then - an exotic place of sin. But being 11 or 12, it probably made quite an impression on my young impressionable mind.

Don't ask me what the book was doing in my school's library as a book of that nature should have had no business in a place for kids.

But as it happened, I used to read a lot of adult novels as a child and was both enraptured and 'educated' by them (but that's another story for another time).

But yes, it was a very exotic moment reliving the book in my mind while walking through the streets of Hong Kong telling myself that this was indeed the world of Suzie Wong.

*edit*

I recently ordered a copy of Suzie Wong through Ebay (seems like the book is no longer in print) and I suppose my memories somehow made the whole brothel + incense + smoke and screens thing much more exaggerated that it really is. (Hah! Now I know what my Psychology books are saying when they talk about memory and distortions).

But it is still every bit as foreign and exotic.

And a lot more romantic that I remembered it to be.

A recommended read especially if you're looking for a nice balance between light and heavy reading. =)

Stills.

2011-03-25T23:53:00.000+08:00

Most of you might know, I was in Hong Kong back in January for a few days.

I've finally gotten 'round to going through the pictures (there were a lot).

Hong Kong was a dream.

I loved it from the first moment I landed and saw sea on either side of the airstrip.

There is so much to this city. So much to see, so much to breathe in.

The buzz from all that movement was exhilarating.

I couldn't get enough during my time there.

I didn't want to leave and I've been dreaming of going back ever since.

Most of the pictures here were from Hong Kong Island.

We did spend some time over on the other side as well.

Just a ferry ride away and everything was so different.

But the whole of Hong Kong was so much like the stuff of movies, I couldn't help but romanticize.

But more on that story the next time. =)

And we never intended for this to happen

2011-03-13T23:35:00.000+08:00

But it has happened.

And it is happening.

And it reminds me,

how much our days are worth living.

How we must make it worth living for.

If the reasons are beyond our reach,

then we must create those reasons from where we stand.

Here, now. Forget about getting to the next mile. Here, now.

If we have nothing to live for,

then we must create those moments worth living for.

This moment. Now. Breathe. Now. This moment.

Little else is quite as important.

It's like unintended news keep coming in these days.

Nothing has been intentional.

All of them just happened.

Forget about the biggest thing happening in the world right now - Japan.

I'll just look a little closer to home.

The next door uncle has a son with terminal cancer.

I saw a hospital bed in their living room tonight.

A part of me wants to say 'how awful!' because it seems like the right thing to say.

Another part of me wants to say 'life is like that'.

My heart breaks for the family next door, but life is like that.

But I think uncle's son is lucky in a way.

He is surrounded by the people he loves.

There is nothing else I would want if it were me.

But keeping things in perspective, I remind myself that as of now, in this moment, I am full of life.

And I want to make every moment count as much as it can.

There is a funny thing going on in between uncle's house and mine now.

There, they deal with death and letting go and things beyond their control.
Here, I deal with life and possibilities and things (most) within my control.

We both deal with what is to come next, but in the most polar of ways.

But really, what they deal with and what I deal with are both part of the experience of being of this world.

So, keeping things in perspective. While I live and I breathe, every moment to the best of my ability, shall count.

*Photos are the last four shots of my reel from

my trip to Hong Kong and Macau and when

I was finally back home.

Camera (or film) kinks to be blamed for the

multiple exposures.
Click on it if you are curious and want to see
it bigger.

Xin Nian

2011-02-20T20:21:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year has always been quiet for me and my family. Coming from a small extended family, raucous New Years are a rare thing. Still, family is family and Chinese New Year gatherings are always warm and fuzzy affairs. I find myself to be more appreciative of such things as I grow older. Plus I always have an awesome hometown to go back to!

This year, my Chinese New Year was about tottering around the island in a worn out, dirty pair of wedges, staying by the sea, a manicure that chipped in two days, and little history/culture lesson on Penang from the Pops.

A belated Happy Rabbit Year to everyone!

xx + ♥♥

Edward's whirlwind 48 hour tour

2011-02-04T02:25:00.000+08:00

Back in early January, we took a train ride up north. The entire purpose was so Edward could show us around his home state. Well, 48 hours, 7 places, and 11 meals later, I think we were all already anticipating our next trip back. With Cameron's and Pangkor on the agenda, it felt like we literally climbed mountains and crossed seas. Personally, I thought it was an awesome way to start out 2011. Like I always say, sometimes life really is about good food + good company.

Boys

2011-01-23T03:09:00.000+08:00

Old photos, old post.
After months and months being kept on the shelf, I think I'm finally ready to share this.

The first boy who ever changed my life. I remember it happened was when I was 15. Young. Unawakened. Naive.
He was tall. So very tall. Quiet. But his eyes looked like they held so much of the world in them. While I hardly ever saw his lips move, his eyes looked like they were brimming over with whatever it was he held beneath the surface of his skin.
I was infatuated. Lost to a boy I had never spoken to.
I still remember those feelings. The butterflies that wouldn't stay confined to my stomach. They fluttered up to my throat and back again. The light headed dizziness that comes hand in hand with not being able to breathe. The shivery shaking that didn't come from the cold outside, but from somewhere within me; more inhibited, more tense and uncontrolled.
I stayed up nights writing words he would never read. I filled pages with images of him. I didn't know him so I suppose what I really wrote were ideas of him, of who I thought he would be.
I was 15. No one else has ever made me as light headed as he did. Nor has anyone else sent butterflies of such proportions fluttering so wildly through me. Not before then. And not since then.
To this day, I have never spoken to him. All I have of him is his name. I still do think of him with much fondness at times. Maybe because I think he represents my girlhood.

**
The second happened when I was older. But still naive, still wild eyed and unknowing. I was opening up to the world for the first time and he was different from anyone else I had ever met. It started off as admiration, fascination. And before I knew it, I had fallen, and I had fallen hard. I was captivated by his heart and his mind, his ideals and the words he spoke. I saw in him everything I've ever wanted to see in a person and more. He was the first person to ever tell me I could be someone. That I was someone. That I was what I always felt. Different. He was the first person to ever see past my surface and validate me as a person. He was the first person who felt so right against the spaces in me. Like it all fit. In a world where I couldn't find my space, he validated my existence and gave me a place to stand. It was as though I never quite existed, was never quite seen, until he came along and saw me. Only then I became. I loved him as foolishly and as innocently as someone who has never loved and never been hurt before loves. And as only a child does, you assume that everyone you love will love you back. I put him on a pedestal high above others and cradled the thought of him as you would something fragile, irreplaceable, almost untouchable. Whatever parts of himself he gave to me I held as hard as I could, backed up between the hardest walls within me and surrounded with the softest parts of myself I could find. Encased. I didn't ever want to lose him. But I never had him in the first place. He spoke words of love, gave me parts of him, but never the essence of himself. I never asked him to love me the way I loved him (or maybe I did, but I don't remember being quite so blunt). Instead I gave him everything I could of myself, hoping against hope that more will one day be enough. I laid myself bare, stripped down to the places which hurt the most, all the time hoping he would see. Just see what I had to give. When I felt I had nothing left, I dived deeper into myself. Delving into the furthest corners, every inch of myself I found, I tore at it. Tearing at bits of what was leftover to see if there was anything leftover in the leftovers, to see what else I could give him I hadn't already given. Give. Give. Love should never ask. And so maybe if I kept giving, one day he would see. But I don't think he ever did. At least not to the true extent. And I'm not sure if he ever will.
He was the one I held in my hands. Suspended, held but never to be touched. The way you see children cupping their hands over soap bubbles. He was the one I fell asleep to every night, silent tears with the deep ache of nothingness in my bones. He was the one who both so filled and so emptied a space within me. He was the one I first loved so raw and so violently.
I don't blame him. Blame and anger is a burden I am desperate not to carry and besides, I've made my fair share of mistakes. Pushing too hard against walls that will never come down and in many overly emotional moments said things that hurt. I swore to myself he would be a test I will not fail. That love should never leave a bitter aftertaste. That as counter intuitive as it is, love should open through the hurt, and not close.
**
Sometimes I think of the next time. How I want it to be bigger, fuller, freer. How I don't want the past to be bonds, ties, chains and shackles that dictate the way things will be, the way love between two people should be. I think people often let past hurt and scars control and set the rules for the next person they love. They chain others down with their past in desperate bids to not let history repeat itself. I don't want that. I hope the next time will be as innocent, and raw, and violent as it was this time. Wiser and older, yes, but with the same childlike essence of wonder and first times and invincibility.
Sometimes I do think of the next time. How I hope he will allow me to reach into him and feel the ridges and cracks that make up the hardest parts of him and the warm aching spots that make up the softest. And how he will allow me to just love. How he will see what I have, what I need to give. How maybe we will have something that will allow us both to crawl into each other's skins and touch bare bone against bare bone.
But that's just what I hope will be. =)

April 13, 2010
**
Epilogue:
In the most recent of times I've met a beautiful boy. One who reminded me of butterflies and giggly light headed dizziness. But he's a beautiful boy who's not mine to keep. He's a beautiful boy who reminds me that there are others like him out there. And that's all I really need.

... react to what you're seeing

2011-01-14T11:42:00.000+08:00

A tiny part of Christine's night

2011-01-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

The turn of the year

2011-01-06T00:50:00.000+08:00

My New Year's Eve was spent the way it has been spent the past eight years - at the Toyad residence.

Over the years at precisely this time, we've made pacts (whatever they might have been), sang loud rock songs, ran out onto the street to watch fireworks, exchanged stories, cried over the past year's heartaches, and stayed up until the sun rises the next morning, reminding each other that there are always new beginnings.

As we grow older, it will at some point inevitably become harder for everyone to be there, and the uncertainty is beginning to make each year feel more precious than the last.

Strange as it might be, but because I have never been the sort to reminisce with longing, the uncertainty has only made me so much happier that the past eight years has happened, and that all my memories are for me to keep.

This time round, Taboo kept us so busy we almost missed 12 a.m.

The Toyads never take down their Christmas decorations until... well, I actually have no clue how long, but I always thought they made the house look so pretty.

As usual, Jill's place is always filled with all sorts of entertainment. Each year, there will be a new game that gets us into stitches of laughter. This year's game had us all trying to mimic Michael Jackson on the screen.

Running out onto the street to catch the fireworks. Under streetlamps with friends and strangers wishing each other a happy new year, it has always been my favourite moment of ushering in a new year.

And so there you go. The end of my 2010, and the beginning of 2011 for me.

I hope you all celebrated the turn of the year in all the best ways - full of hope, and love, and possibilities. =)

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T23:33:00.000+08:00

This year

2010-12-31T17:16:00.000+08:00

I think this was the year life was born for me.
It was one sunset driving on the highway. The clouds, you should have seen them. The way they gathered and parted, letting the day's last sunrays shine through. That moment when I was lifted in such a way, when I smiled so hard it overflowed onto the outside and I knew that in all my 21 years I have never smiled so true before, that moment when I knew it would always be okay, I'd give anything for you to know and feel as well. I hope you have, and I know you have.
And what about love? If it makes me a cliche, so be it. But the fact is I am all that I am because of love. And this year I have loved so much. I have loved so much. But more than anything I have been so much closer to the kind of love that liberates, and not the kind that cages. The fact is sometimes more than wanting to be loved, what we really want more, is to be allowed to love. This year I have loved. But more importantly, I have loved right. And that counts for everything.
This year I finally admitted to myself my dreams and all the fears that come along with it. This year, I have tried to see these fears eye to eye, to stand in front of them and see them for what they really are - me. Illusions I have dreamt up. And maybe my work here has in most part, barely begun and I haven't fully stood in front of these fears and stared them down yet. But I will. You bet I will.

This year has been moments. And moments are really, all that we live for.

And next year... Next year will be epic.

Sand Man

2010-12-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

Somedays I need to write more than others.

Somedays my writing is so frenzied I can barely keep up with my own words.

There is something so scarily personal about displaying a piece in your own handwriting.

Just the thought that it's up somewhere beyond the confines of a dusty notebook on your shelf is scary.

I think in the new year I want to be brave and write (literally) into the world. Regardless if my words are ever read or not.

And for a while now, the world has been bright, and shiny, and new.

2010-12-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

It's when I see youth and such voice and such uninhibited passion that I so much long to be sixteen again. Or fifteen. Or fourteen. I have never been one to long for the past, as good as the past may have been. I have always loved being myself in the here and now, as undesirable as the here and now can sometimes be.

Until now.

Some days it hits me; that I have made nothing of my youth. And if I could relive it again I would do it all so differently. I would have lived louder, so much louder. I would have chased life with all I had, I would have chased life till I was out of breath and could run no more. But how was I to know when I didn't know better? How was I to know life could offer so much, could be so beautiful if you dared to live, dared to fail, dared to dream, dared to love.

These days I always feel like I'm making up for lost time, making up for all moments lost in unexplained, irrational fear, making up for all the moments when I could have but did not.

Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long to finally be ready to live.

Laughably, the irony of the situation is because I'm so new to this discovery, this way of thinking, this learning of how to live, I feel very young at times.

I feel new and I feel old at the same time.

Truthfully, I feel much, much younger and much, much more vulnerable than my actual age. And it's that vulnerability that I hold on to at times. Because with that vulnerability comes awe and wonder.
And I'd like to never lose awe and wonder in my life.

Girl above is Misty Miller.

Nikita Veprikov

2010-11-12T18:06:00.000+08:00

Despite the incessant 'tick-tock' in my head counting down to all the deadlines I have, I find myself surfing around for pictures/art. It makes me feel sinfully self-indulgent.

I came across this artist a couple of weeks ago and I knew I had to share his work somewhere, or with someone. It's that flutter, that breathlessness, that indescribable something when you come across works of art that touches a part of yourself you can't even find. Such is the kind of magic I'm always trying to chase.

Mask

Fear

Living Behind The Clouds

Insomnia

Cocoon

untitled

Free Prisoner

"... that freedom is not a physical condition, but a state of mind."

A timely reminder.

And if I could one day create that flutter, that breathlessness, that indescribable something for people through my own work, that would be all the reason I would need to chase my rainbows.

***

Artist can be found here and here.

It’s Always Sunny in California via Spanish Moss Blog

2010-11-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

Another Mag

Photography by Stephen Shore

(via Spanish Moss Blog)

Food, friends, beer, and love.

2010-10-29T21:56:00.000+08:00

Met up with the girls Drea and Siyan for our monthly catch up/exploring KL session.

We've been doing this 10 months now and I think we're quite proud that we're still going strong.

This little project has been making sure that we all catch up with each other at least once a month and get to know what's been going on in each other's lives.

It's easy sometimes to forget that friendship like any other relationship requires time and effort to maintain.

This month, we had the boys Alden and Edward join us.

The night ended with us sitting on some balcony overlooking highways. Breeze in hair, fine drizzle, and good company marked the end of what has been a good month.

I think I shall make sure to document each month more carefully when we carry this into 2011.

Ending with a bum shot!

Storia d'amore

2010-10-28T00:23:00.000+08:00

by Kalle Gustafsson

The light, the colours, the clothes, the actors.

So beautiful it made me weepy.

Rose

2010-10-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

I love it when looking at photos feels like reading a book.

When images draw you in and narrate just as much as words do.

A few updates:

Busy weekend ahead. New experiences are in store (which is always exciting) and hopefully I'll be able to share them.
This semester (I seem to mark my life in terms of semesters - proof of how much my life revolves around school), my eating habits have been much better though not as good as I would like them to be. Planning a major overhaul in the kitchen soon. Really quite an exciting prospect.
In an attempt to learn a new skill, I'm happy I've made progress this week after a couple of frustrating-hit-a-brick-wall sessions. This progress has also been quite exciting.
Even though some things academic related are still uncertain, I got first choice for my thesis topic. At risk of sounding like a nerd, I've been quite excited about my topic since I first chose it.
Really excited about the week ahead as I'll finally be able to meet up with loved ones.

I realize I sound like a broken record, but oh well what can I say? It's been a good week thus far and everything looks set to be even better next week. If that doesn't excite a girl, what else can eh?

Have a lovely weekend, wherever you may be. xoxo.

For nights swollen with dreams and dreaming.

2010-10-20T02:35:00.000+08:00

This has been my most recent playlist during those nights when I stay up to work or write or think.

I've been revisiting the songs that used to be a permanent fixture on my list back in the days when I was 18. I can hardly remember what it's like to be 18 (and I'm not even that old!).

Maybe next I'll share my Saturday basking-in-the-sunlight-while-reading playlist.

Some things about this week bring back a plethora of memories.

I don't deny myself the act of remembering. Neither do I want to feel guilty about the kind of feelings those memories might bring back.

Sometimes, I have to allow myself to remember in order to see how good the world is and all that I am working to be. Sometimes, the future is best seen in looking back.

And this week, this week... I'll think of nothing but love and best wishes.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Happy October!

2010-10-12T23:49:00.000+08:00

Tell me this isn't one of the cutest things ever.

Feels like I have boatloads of unfinished work. Reflection papers can be such bummers.

And I just realized how I never got round to posting the photos from the little shoot the girls and I had over August. So below are a couple.

I hope everyone had a good start to October!

12 days on the bullet train

2010-10-04T01:07:00.000+08:00

It's been yet another long week. And this time, there's no stopping till the next weekend. But no complaints, despite the weekend being tiring (more for some than for others), it has been interesting in it's own ways.
Am currently procrastinating on an assignment. I started watching TED videos on positive psychology instead. The psychology conference held over the weekend has obviously further ignited my interest in a couple of topics.

Life is currently a fine, fine balance between knowing and focusing on what needs to be fixed but not allowing myself to see only what's wrong, but also acknowledging all that is right or that which could be right.

Another toast to the coming week (this is starting to feel almost ritualistic)! Here's to an awesome, productive one!

We'll drive into the night. We'll drive everywhere and we'll drive nowhere.

2010-09-29T02:41:00.000+08:00

Top 5 on my list of most inspiring music.

Probably one of the coldest weeks this year (or so it feels like). It's one of my favourite times of the year.

11 pm and driving home on a cold Monday night with Me'Shell Ndegeocello on my playlist, I spied the full moon in front of me.
I couldn't resist rolling down the windows and taking the longer route that led me straight through to the heart of the city.
Wind in hair, and into the bright lights of KL, the moon kept me company all the way home.
It was hard to not grin alone to myself like an idiot.

It's when you find such rapture and completeness in the most seemingly simple, insignificant moments that you see how truly magical life is.

I like to think that you once dreamt the way I now do. That one day you will again.

2010-09-27T02:15:00.000+08:00

The past week has a long, busy, and good one. I have been enjoying my work immensely, something which makes me feel extremely blessed. Besides work, my days have also been filled with people and many celebrations of sorts. With all the reunions, birthdays, and get togethers, one could say it has been a week of celebration. Indeed. =)

These days I wonder at the people whom have been surrounding me, both the new and the old. Each group or individual so different from the next. I have come to realise how much I thrive from difference. The ways in which I am affirmed or challenged or introduced to new ways of looking at the world inspires me. Difference is what intrigues me, makes me feel alive, inspires me to dream and dream and dream. It is one of those things I find most beautiful in the people and things which surround me. I will never stop.

Two hours into a new week. Monday night will be spent with Sheela before she leaves for new adventures. I am already looking forward to all the goodness this coming week will bring.

Maybe I'd like you up close.

2010-09-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

Third week of classes down.

It's hard to digest the way time seems to fly.

Three months to a brand new year!

Life has continually been good to me.

So far, it's the quiet peace of school work, loved ones, and general every day life of trying to take in as much as I can and figure out just as much.

And in between all that, there is the occasion when life injects a little irony, amusement, and the warm and fuzzies, all which fill me with little bubbles of self-indulgent giggly-ness.

I love and I laugh these days.

It's probably much too early to start reflecting on the past year, but life has been unfolding in such intricately beautiful ways.

And if there is one more thing I've learnt in the plethora of lessons I've had this year, it's that I now know, that no matter where I go, I will always find something beautiful along the way.

There is not a day when I am not grateful to be where I have been this year.

And so my loves, no matter where in the world you may be, or where life is taking you, I hope you spend your days loving and laughing as well.

And I hope you always find something beautiful.

Freedom

2010-09-10T16:07:00.000+08:00

Photos from early August from part 2 of the TLC Promise Me Campaign that Siyan and I did.

Taking three little boys for a picnic made me realize that I really do love watching children play.

The boys were extremely shy around us, and some seem to almost be mini adults. So it was quite something to watch how free they seemed to be during play.

But as much as I enjoy watching children now, I have never been one to want to go back to being a child. As a wee one, I was shy and timid. Fearful, and withdrawn much deeper than a child should be. I was extremely approval-seeking. Almost as if I was buried so deep under I needed to be validated externally that yes, I existed more than what was beneath me.

Maybe for this reason, I have always been drawn to the element of freedom. Freedom to be. And it is what I see most in the photos above.

Having been an extremely inhibited child and now, an inhibited adult, I do wonder if I have ever known the kind of free that other children or people seem to know.

I have realized quite recently that life for me seems to be a mix of regression and moving forward. That both moving forward and moving back are intertwined. Inseparable. That the more I learn and the more I grow is the more childlike I become. To feel like a child was and is something I have had to learn.

Freedom seems to imply something physical; the ability to move freely. But for me it has always been a state of mind. And there are hardly more things more frustrating than not being free in the mind.

But freedom is not free, as I once heard.

Freedom is not free.

Not granted, but earned.

It has been a struggle of sorts since I was a child whether I was aware of it or not and only now am I beginning to piece things together.

That everything I do and every thought I think, especially in recent times have been at its very core, a journey to be free. Mind free. Breaking the barriers surrounding what you have always known, what you think you know, and your perception of things is always the most challenging.

It is not 3 months ago that I took the final steps in closing a chapter in life. An extremely challenging chapter that spanned almost three years from beginning to end. And as dreadfully tired as I think I am, almost immediately now I find myself facing yet another puzzle. But I do suppose that is the nature of things. That the building and breaking of walls must never stop. Shallow, stagnant pools are toxic.

Let's see where this goes.

But until then, a word of advice to myself - Self-belief is solitary. No one else will believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.

It has been quite a while...

2010-08-13T01:14:00.000+08:00

...and it Feels like the world has seen every colour since you.

Days of yellow are forgiving. Soft, and warm, and pulsing.

Moving in leaps and bounds. Like rushing blood. Alive.

Those are the days when I know I truly loved you.

When all I can think of is you having daisy yellow days of your own.

The best yellow days are the ones with wild swirls of oranges and reds.

That's when I know I am most alive, bursting from the inside out.

I know you have those days too. You have always known passion.

Then there are the blue tinted days.

Replays of all the promises I could not keep in time.

Colder, heavier, regretful.

When all loose ends seem to cloud overhead and bear their weight down.

And because I know the world is not in black and white, is the same way I know you do what you do because it is the only way you know how.

Still, some days I wish you were braver.

And some days I wish you aren't so unkind.

And some days still, I wonder how long I will carry the weight of you with me, even if just occasionally.

Daisy yellow days of your own.

Soft, and warm, and pulsing.

And I have seen every colour of my own.

Since you.

***

Spent the morning walking around a park, searching for rainbows amidst the soft, misty showers of lawn sprinklers, and trying to photograph them.
And just as the sun was getting too hot, the sprinklers turned themselves off and the rainbows disappeared, leaving me sleepy, sweaty, and happy.

It was quite a beautiful morning.

Little dreams, big dreams

2010-08-10T02:04:00.000+08:00

If you walk my way, I will keep my head,

We will feel our way through the dark,

Oh I don't know you, I think that I would do,

I don't fall easy at all...

*hums*

I need more photos.

Would anyone like to volunteer to have their pictures taken?

...it's my experience in situations like this, if you want to go fast, go slow. - Gil Grissom

2010-08-02T02:08:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if vampires have always been a popular subject or if Twilight just sparked the whole blood sucking craze.

But anyway, the point I was trying to make is that if Twilight had half the strength and grace as the video above, maybe I wouldn't mind the whole thing so much.

The past week has been ... quite something.

August is upon us. New month, new things, new experiences!

I broke curfew tonight...

2010-07-30T02:19:00.000+08:00

I think I'm overwhelmed.
It's like when you've had the workout of a lifetime and start to physically shake and rattle from exhaustion. Only all that shaking and rattling is mental.

I think I may have done tougher things. But tonight felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. Or attempted to do.

I am overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed with all the aspirations, the expectations, the trying, the failing, the trying, the responsibility, the guilt, the trying, the trying.

But I wouldn't trade it.

Overwhelmed or not, I'd do this a million times over.

A million times over till it's right.

But beyond all things overwhelming me at the moment, I am grateful.

More than anything, I am grateful.

And I am happier than I can ever remember being.

***

This blog has seriously slowed down. But I do hope everyone is doing well and life is as good as ever! =)

Mom and Dad

2010-07-24T23:29:00.000+08:00

These days family time is down to mostly one day a week.

Spent the entire Saturday alone with both parents for lunch, dinner, and looking at old stuff.

I have missed them.

"... solitude is a victory. It's a battle." - Karl Lagerfeld

2010-07-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

Old photos.

I don't have very many blog worthy images at the moment.

It feels like the past weeks have been such a flurry of activity; mental and physical.

Seven weeks have been a huge leap in difference for me and it's been a pretty good ride so far.

Breaking away, being on my own most times, new surroundings, new people.

Of course, the old are not forgotten. I have been much loved in recent times.

If there is anything I have been made acutely aware of recently, it's that for all my penchant for solitude and aloneness, I have always been blessed in having people around me. Good people. I've never had to look very far, and it's enough to make one feel like one of the luckiest people alive.

Life is currently very much a one step at a time process. It's been a lot of trying to be in the moment and not getting attached to situations and people and feelings. Live it, feel and breathe it, and when the moment passes, let it go. I'm learning to trust life much more, to not be so impatient, to do what I can with what I have, and leave the rest to sort itself out.

In between the quiet constant flux of being alone and being with others, there have been many, many moments of joy. It's hard being alone and it's hard being with others. But I wouldn't be complete if I don't learn how to do both.

The holidays are a-coming. It will be exciting to see where I am in a month and a half.

It seems like the whole world is on summer break right now, so wherever you are, I hope you're having a wonderful time and that life is looking quite as beautiful to you as it does to me.

Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast

2010-07-04T15:54:00.000+08:00

What a beautiful voice.

Exams start tomorrow but save for a few stresses, the past weeks have been pretty good so far with more to come I'm sure.

This is tagged 'Cyan'!

2010-07-03T02:29:00.000+08:00

Found this while aimlessly browsing tumblr.

See, Cyan! Aren't you lucky we didn't do this to you on your 21st?

;)

A few of my favourite things... (and others)

2010-06-29T23:14:00.000+08:00

I like tea and lace and quiet.

I like braids, freckles and white dresses.

I like dark eye make up, oversized rings and heavy necklaces.

I like trashy and 5 inch stilettos.

I like baritone voices, polar opposites and the colour black.

I like bare feet, grass and rain.

I like windswept hair, sunbeams and the warmth of skin.

But above all, I think I like honesty the most. The kind that is not afraid. The kind that leaves you with nothing but bare skin and bones, goosebumps and a ringing in your ears. The kind that speaks of courage and bravery and the need to be.

I want to unlearn everything.

I want to see not through the eyes of invisible boundaries, norms, and what others say must be.

I want to see. And I want to be.

'Summer' break is right around the corner.

I am excited with all that I have to do.

"...rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth." - Into The Wild

Flutter

2010-06-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

I didn't really believe it could happen.

At least not yet.
It tickles me with such glee I want to laugh out loud.

But more than anything, I am relieved.

Thank you, stranger. For just being.

Streetlights and early morning rain

2010-06-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

3 a.m. rain watching.

The early morning stillness, the falling rain reflected in the streetlights, and the cold made me yearn to run out bare footed into the streets.

If only the parents weren't such light sleepers.

This too shall pass...

2010-06-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

... and it will be more than okay.

In a world that insists on black and white, I only see the shades of grey in between.

2010-06-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

During the recent holidays, I got a new toy - a cheap plasticky camera.

It's crazy dark except under harsh sunlight.

But there's something liberating about carrying a fake looking camera that weighs less than my phone. =D

And it's been years since I last actually went to a shop to get film developed.

You guys should try it.

Nothing beats the flutter of anticipation that comes with not being able to get the sort of instant gratification you get with digital.

School work is starting to pile up and it's only going to get worse from here on.

But an increased workload only means one thing - holidays soon! So I suppose I cannot complain.

On a more random note, seems like this past week I walked into two situations in the stairwells at uni involving couples fighting, accusing each other of cheating and lying. Cursing and yelling.

Wow.

I always thought the stairwells in uni were for the occasional smoker or two who's too lazy to leave the building. Not hotspots for drama involving doomed couples.

And as much as I'm making fun of things now, you have no idea how awkward it is to walk in on a fighting couple and have them fall silent still staring daggers at each other.

Talk about third party intrusion!

Say it and maybe we can make peace. But don't expect anymore from me save the unloading of baggage.

2010-05-31T00:12:00.000+08:00

My daily outfits would be these provided that is, if I could still walk down our streets in KL (or anywhere else in Malaysia for that matter) like this and not be arrested for indecent exposure.

A trip back to the hometown for Wesak has left me exhausted and lethargic.

Despite my wanderlust, I'm a horrible traveler, needing at least 24 hours recovery time for a mere 4 hour trip.

Other than that, my weekend has been about untangling knots of grudges and watching three fantasy movies in two days.

The movies did my head in a little. Three movies with no basis in reality (image wise) one after another? Too much, I think. I could almost see flying horses, giant trees and all other sorts of things in psychedelic colours after.

As for grudges? I think I'm okay until I wake up on days to find myself angry again. So I sit down and try to untangle the knots again. One by one. Why can't I leave it alone? It's simple. Leaving it alone only means I will continue waking up days to find myself confronting the same anger. It means I will find myself entrenched in moments facing the same demons without any form of understanding.

Anger is too crippling, and over my dead body will I allow grudges or the anger that comes with it to get in the way of life. Life as I want to live it.

The more I look into this the more I realize my anger comes from a place that screams 'me'.

It's only because I feel I deserve more that I'm angry.

At the end of the day, I suppose I'm not actually battling someone else or whatever ways I think they have wronged me.

I'm battling my ego.

I need too much to be free.

And this anger is not worth anything.

Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.

2010-05-24T00:57:00.000+08:00

First week down, and I must say it's been quite an eye opener in some ways.

Film and anthropology classes are probably going to be way more interesting than my child development class. My anthropology lecturer screened a video which I found fascinating. Unfortunately it seems like everyone else thought it was a bore. So now I feel a little bit like the geek.

I had not realized how much I've allowed myself to be stuck in a rut academic wise. It's like everything else in life I suppose. When you allow yourself to follow a set path, a set routine, chances are you're going to wake up one day and realize how humdrum everything is, how you've become mindless in going about your everyday routine, and you never even realized it was happening.

Change is good. Change is always good.

Early Monday morning I saw the most beautiful couple before going for class. Both so pale and gangly and with such a sullen air about them, never seeming to make eye contact with anyone around them or even each other for that matter. It could have been because they aren't morning people. But they made me think that if there ever were an Oriental version of Twilight, they'd be it.

The past week I met up with a friend, watched a girl go all warm and fuzzy as she watched a canoodling couple, spent 2 hours in an empty eatery with a cup of tea and photos, ran in the rain, and marked time not in minutes but by the setting sun. So that when it finally got dark, I knew it was time to run back home.

I'm missing a lot of people and would love to know how you are all doing, so drop me an update!

And I hope you all have a beautiful week ahead.

Two weeks and a lifetime.

2010-05-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

A moment's silence. To respect the end of the holidays.

(Excuse the dual toned back in the photo above. That's my sunburn from Tronoh)

Sigh. I always do feel a little mournful when holidays end.

I suffer from end of holidays blues and Monday blues.

How lazy do I sound?

The past two weeks or so have been pretty good, I suppose, even if I feel like there are a million more things I'd like to do before going back to class.

This term break included good beer, driving up to the next state with a bunch of girls and a trunk full of household items, four days of spring cleaning (which resulted in a very organized room that is 70% emptier and a colour coordinated wardrobe), DIY colouring my hair for the first time, an art fair, taking leisurely drives alone looking for places, and a Tuesday morning in Starbucks people watching and thinking with nothing but coffee and a sinful cigarette.

Besides all that, I've also began journaling again as a collective of inspiration. I've been writing, I've been photographing (and experimenting with more than one medium), and I've been sewing (completed 1 1/2 out of 3 projects before running out of material). Nothing big, more like playing around.

I've also managed to add to my collection of magazines. Nothing made me happier than when an issue I had been looking for for months appeared in a small little sundry shop all dusty and just waiting to be picked up.

And today... today I ran for the first time in almost two years. I ran and I thought it's been a long time since my limbs felt so free. The last time I ran two years back, I imagined I was running away from something. This time, I ran because I imagined running towards something good. I also saw a rainbow during dinner. I cannot remember the last time I saw a rainbow.

I need things to be different and I'm going to keep running towards that.

Tomorrow I'm starting classes again. While I cannot say classes excite me, for the first time in a long time, I have prepared a complete file with note papers and new pens. Unfortunately I've spent the past few semesters in class with loose leaf papers I'd lose the next hour and mediocre pens that were not made for writing. So yes, I'm hopeful.

I've been sliding a little bit in the last few weeks before the break and I suppose the break did do me good.

While I still insist I have another million things I'd like to do, unfortunately classes can never wait.

The next eight weeks will be hectic but I'll give it my best shot and take it from there.

I know some of you are on your summer breaks soon, and whether or not I will be seeing you I hope all you lovely people have an extra lovely break this time around. =)

The mistake is not in making a mistake. The mistake is when you don't make a mistake count in life. When at the end of the day, you are not a better person who's wiser, softer, and more open to the world.

It's been quite a while but! As promised.

2010-05-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

Our trip to Tronoh.

Extremely photo heavy post so I'll lay off the words for now.

Just so you know, it was scorching and itchy and crazy uncomfortable, but a complete adventure that involved a road trip, loads of chattering and laughter and girliness and cops! (for that dramatic effect) ;)

To the Jing Bangs, the 'hole' is really quite a pretty place. Ya hear, SY?

You have big white birds flying around campus!

In case this offends anyone, the smoke is literally all smoke and mirrors.

I made them pose, so lay off the judging (not that I'm saying anyone is).

For more, drop by Sarah's blog.

She has some amazing polaroids from that day.

I'm aching for another trip somewhere.

Let's play make believe all night long

2010-05-11T04:15:00.000+08:00

Polaroids from Sarah on our recent trip.
I have a good day planned for tomorrow (in the next few hours).

"There can be a fine line between being courageous in following your dreams and being self-destructive in the service of ego, greed, and approval. But then, my mother never told me that if I did everything I was programmed to do and chased all the things I was supposed to chase-and wear, and be without ever developing a true and unshakable sense of self, I'd crash into a million pieces one day when something went wrong." - source

I like to imagine I'm in a far off place somewhere in those photos. Seeking thrills and adventures. Okay, maybe not so much thrills. Just wandering the world will be fine.

For now, it's getting sleepy on wine, season 3 of Grey's Anatomy, and thinking of playing dress up. It's 4 in the morning and I have to be up in 2 and a half hours. I think a morning cuppa at Starbucks later on would be a good idea, what say you? ;)

More photos to come in the next post!

You know, they're just trying. Everyone is. We are all just trying. And in the only ways we know how.

2010-05-10T03:27:00.000+08:00

But just you know, in the midst of it all, don't forget to show yourself some love.

Spring cleaning is taking much longer than I thought it would.

It's amazing how much junk one can accumulate through the years.

It's also amazing how nostalgic spring cleaning can be.

Childhood diaries telling tales of sibling angst, teenaged scribbles about that first heady crush, long forgotten notes from the ex-lover, drafts of birthday letters to the only person you've ever truly believed in, chicken scratch notes from that person who told you they didn't believe they'd ever meet anyone better.

And let's not forget the photos. The photos that chronicled everything from bad teeth, to the fixing of bad teeth, to friends that once were, friends that still are, and friends that are as-of-the-moment-status-uncertain. Every photo was a time capsule. I could remember so vividly who I was back when each photo was taken. All the not-knowing-any-better that came with being 8, all the insecurities that came with being 13, all the new and shiny that came with 18, all the bonding and breaking that came with people.

Some were undeniably hard to look at; clear reminders of how much can change in such a short time. I admit to having to take a time out to cry a little.
Spring cleaning this time 'round felt a little bit like a physical representation of life and not just dusting out the dust bunnies.

The only reason why I say so is because I find myself more frenzied than usual.

While I usually toss minimal items out and just concentrate on cleaning and wiping, I find myself tossing almost everything into the trash this time.

The way I sometimes feel about things now. How I want everything to be clean and empty so something entirely new can begin. With the tossing of some things, it almost feels like you're tossing out that part of yourself you don't want anymore.

In some ways, it's almost therapeutic. It makes me feel a bit like that crazy housewife who won't stop cleaning.

Who knew spring cleaning could be so much? =/

I hope to finish by tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's how I've been dully entertaining myself tonight.

I call it photobooth envy.

Besides, I've always wondered what it felt like to have an identical twin.

Haven't you? ;)

Fortune teller says maybe you will go to hell, but I'm not scared at all of the cracks in the crystal ball

2010-05-08T01:13:00.000+08:00

Just a little update.

I have been insanely tired the past weeks for reasons unknown.

Despite the fatigue, I've been trying not to sleep too much.

It feels like such a waste of time to sleep the entire day when there is so much to live for.

Each day I nag at myself to get on with it. To go and do something big for the day.

So it's extremely annoying to feel so exhausted everyday.

The past two days I have found myself in many moments of rage.

But anger is not something I want.

While some things should be said, the anger that comes with it is not worth holding on too.

It's true that the act of letting go is not a one off thing.

You let go over and over again every day.

Just because you decide to not be angry today doesn't mean you won't feel angry again tomorrow.

It's exhausting.

But some things must be done.

Even if it means doing it over and over again until it's finally over and done with.

In the meantime, I have one week left of my holidays (boo!) and I fully intend to dedicate it to spring cleaning and searching for inspiration.

I was trying to be a ballerina

2010-05-06T05:00:00.000+08:00

If there is one thing that has been made clear, it's that I do not push hard enough.

We all try to be someone.

We all try to reach for something.

And we all think we're different.

Special.

Until you realize that everyone's doing the exact same thing you're doing.

Trying to be someone.

Tell me.

What makes that someone different from the thousands of everyone trying to be someone?

Some people have an undying faith in their abilities. Their capabilities. Their talents.

Is that what makes them different?

Those who doubt, and those who never do?

Or is it just pushing beyond the doubt?

I don't think I can do the first.

But I can do the second.

But is desire alone enough?

You tell me.

Chickening out when it matters most, what does that make you?

Nothing.

Setbacks.

Doubts.

There's only one thing to do.

Tell yourself, "whatever, bitch".

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless.

2010-05-03T01:42:00.000+08:00

Pretty Eustomas from Sarah.

I can't stop looking at them.

Impromptu birthday portraits before my exam.

I still can't get used to the bangs. -.-

So I turned 21 last Wednesday.

It's the age everyone hypes about.

Truth be told, I still feel like a teenager, which I take as a good sign. =)

20 taught me a lot of things.
And I have more to be thankful for than to feel sorry for.
It was a year of growth in terms of friendships, love, and finding myself.
I've lost, and I've lost hard.
But in the end, I think I will win more than I know possible.
Among the many things I'm grateful for, I think I am most grateful for having those around me.
For all your endless support and love, for staying, for appearing, it has been so much more than I could ever ask for.
And I hope you all know.

Last year, I wished for the courage to accept the things I could not change.

This year, I wish for the courage to forgive and the courage to live.

And no, I do not believe in the whole not-sharing-your-wish-because-it-will-not-come-true thing.

To all who wished me, kept me company, sent me your love, etc, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Out on the street I'm fearless,

Better believe I'm fearless, fearless.

Fearless - Colbie Caillat

Degrees of freedom, df

2010-04-16T16:54:00.000+08:00

I have stopped breathing.

A little break from studying. Who wants to guess which subject I'm at now? ;)

Food for thought

2010-04-14T18:09:00.000+08:00

A little while ago I came across something which I thought was interesting.
A commentary on this article.

In response to the article, someone (I'm assuming it's a she) had this to say:

"While I am in the process of being kind-of cranky and verbose, let me say that I am concerned about the insistence that being gay is not a choice. Every time I hear it, I feel a little crestfallen. I’m worried it’s going to become a problem for gay rights activists down the road in the way that the idea of “choice” has hampered the reproductive rights debate. I’m not saying that people are not born gay. But this rhetoric is too limiting to be useful in the long run. As an argument, it seems to lend legitimacy to the idea that being gay is an undesirable state, like “hey, we’d be straight if we could and we have tried as hard as we can but we just can’t do it because we are biologically incapable! So that’s why you should stop being such a small-minded dick.”
Do gay people only deserve rights if they’re born gay? What if I choose to take another woman as a lover and partner when I feel I just as easily could have taken a man—does that mean I don’t? Wouldn’t it be better to unapologetically claim that we (all of us who support gay rights or are queer/bi/poly/etc.) want the freedom to make choices about our sexual life without the state telling us we forfeit our rights by those choices? I mean, that is at the core of what we want, right? The opportunity to live our personal lives as we see fit without having to publicly justify how our attractions and impulses have arisen?"

The point is, what this person had to say made me stop and think.
And I like it when I come across things that make me stop and wonder how I've never before considered another side to the story. [In no way do I consider myself intellectual. If ever I do take an interest in political/social issues, it usually has to do with what is going on outside my country rather than those going on in my own country (that is a reason I don't think I should go into)]. I won't go much into my own opinions since they aren't anything you haven't heard of before.And since I'm not gay, I don't want to be an idiot and sound like I understand what it feels like. But I will say that I do agree about the irony that while this entire issue has always been closely associated with 'individual rights', it is funny how much of it has become an issue of a 'non-choice'. So those who freely made the choice, where do they stand? In between those who believe homosexuality is wrong, and those who believe homosexuality is not a choice? I'm just saying. What if one day I decide different? I wouldn't be accepted by those who condemn homosexuality. And those who are born gay? Would they view me as legitimately gay or somehow not really the same as them just because I had a choice I could make? Where would I fit? Are there two sides to this issue, or has it becomes three (or more)? Because what the article says is right. It seems like every article you come across these days about gay rights seem so much more like a 'me against you' thing rather than a 'everyone has a right to choose and live' thing. The argument is slowly evolving into something that is so much a 'right or wrong' issue rather than a 'let's accept each other for who we are' issue. It's a line that might seem blurry, but I think the truth is, both are very different things. And that is where I think the danger lies.

Just my two cents on an extremely interesting POV.

Polaroids and Statistics

2010-04-13T15:02:00.000+08:00

All photos from Sarah.

A study session for Advanced Quant. last Wednesday.

Sarah brought her new camera which meant a lot of fun in between trying to make sense of all the figures.

For some reason, my eyes seem extra small in the photos. Coupled with my bangs, I look like I just jumped off a ship from China.

"Based on the results, there is a significant effect of group study on Psych majors (f (3,21) = 3.245, p = 0.000) with the presence of a covariate - a (Sarah's) polaroid camera" - Sarah Tay

;)

We had another session just last night. And this time we managed to go through everything. Yay to that.

A couple more sessions and hopefully I'll be able to get through this blasted subject.

Truth

2010-04-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

Speak.

But only what is true.

Truth is an obsession.

Answers. Truth. Never lies.

In one moment, I saw the reason why things played out the way they did.

And how I could never, ever have been truly happy should I have gotten what I've been wanting all this time.

Admitting to myself that what I once wanted is now what I no longer want.

That was a breakthrough.

One step further in moving forward. =)

These days, I am hopeful. So hopeful.

I feel so constantly in awe. I feel almost childlike.

And just like how the world is more sparkly to a child, I do think everything seems to be more magical these days.

You have no idea how grateful I am to be this way.

The tragedy of life isn't that it ends so soon, but that it takes so long to begin - unknown

2010-04-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

The person you should be and the person you could be are two very different things.

It is something I came across today and it's been on my mind ever since.

It reminded me of how everything that's happened recently has everything to do with this.

No, in comparison to the world out there I have in truth, seen nothing at all.

But in everything I have seen, it's been all about this.

Letting go of the people you love and hold so dearly, so desperately close to your heart because it is the only way all of you can become the person you should be.

Love is allowing someone to be the person they need to be and this includes yourself.

I am hardly that selfless. But that is one of the realizations which allowed me to be free.

In truth, I have so many loose ends still unsettled.

And maybe one day I'll be able to settle them.

But if I never get to do that, I don't ever want to regret anything or look back.

For now, it's all about the search.

And some days I feel as though I am rushing to find the things I'm looking for just so I can go back and mend those broken bridges because I fear when I am finally ready, I will be too late.

Until I realize that by doing so, I am once again pushing myself to heal on someone else's time and not mine.

And anyway, rushing to heal on someone else's time is just me being presumptuous in assuming that I am so significant in someone's life they would want me back.

At times a broken bridge seems like such an overwhelming loss.

But at the end of the day, in a situation like this, finding myself must outweigh everything else. Even if some things may need to be entirely left behind.

I have gone off tangent once again. As usual.

I feel whiny whenever I do it, but writing my thoughts down (however ridiculous) is the only clear way I process things.

In other news, I had a really enjoyable study session today as unbelievable as it sounds.

Aside from that, I find academics to be extremely interfering these days.

At a time when I have so much to figure out, the last thing I want to do is hit the books.

But obligations are obligations at the end of the day.

And as much as you want to break free, there are some things which have to be done before you can do so.

There is a whole world out there I have not seen.

And somewhere out there, I am waiting for me.

I am keening for a time and a way to fly.

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

2010-04-06T02:19:00.000+08:00

smvblog

Complete and utter lust.

"I finally learned what life's all about.. hanging on when your hearts had enough, and giving more when you want to give up."

-Nicole Ritchie (seriously?)

Just a little downtime from studying for my Biopsych test tomorrow (actually in 9 hours).

Thought I'd share some beautiful things I came across. =)

I blog way too much these days...

2010-04-02T01:26:00.000+08:00

I am finally done with one assignment.

Words cannot describe my relief for now.

I have a pounding headache so I thought I'd de-stress by posting some outfits I recently found on Lookbook.

With its endless scrolling, Lookbook can be waaaayy addictive.

My only grouch is that as time goes by, it seems as though you keep seeing more and more of the same old outfits on repeat. -.- Bah to trends.

Sigh. I think I might really need silk + lace jumpsuits and polka dotted stockings right now.

And I hate that I cannot resize the photos without distorting them. >_<

2010-03-31T22:40:00.000+08:00

It's been a long frustrating day with search engines and assignments.

But I found this. =D

I haven't loved her this much since their first album.

Some things are a must in one's lifetime. =)

Right. Now to put a halt to dreams of swimming in a lake in my underwear and sleeping under the stars. I have a lab report to attend to. Boo.

Look at the mess of a broken self... I'll make this the best thing to ever happen to me.

2010-03-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

I think I should hire Siyan as my full time photographer.

Some days the realization that I am free to do anything, be anyone I want is overwhelming.

The incredible fact is that I have nothing holding me back, nothing tying me down and I have no obligations to anything or anyone to lead my life a certain way or to be a certain way.

There are moments in days when I feel as though I stand at the edge of all things possible.

Free.

I am completely and utterly free.

All my life, I was never in a place where I felt I could fully be my own person.

School was something I loathed for all its rules and hypocrisy.

College was where I found parts of myself but got distracted by other things.

Now is what I think I've been waiting to find my entire life.

That unraveling of self that comes with understanding the meaning of 'no holds barred'.

It's a comprehension that feels like being clubbed over the head; so overwhelming are the possibilities that come with it.

This sense of freedom is full forced and fleeting.

And every moment it passes me I hold on to it as tight as I can.

The anticipation of possibilities. That's where all the magic lies.

My life is currently a blank canvas.

Anything can be anything.

This is where it can all begin.

And I'll be damned if I don't find a way to fly.

Magic.

2010-03-28T22:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, the long promised post is up.

A week ago, we headed down to Putrajaya to catch the Hot Air Balloon Fest (and to hopefully catch a ride on one). We arrived to find hundreds of people filling up the place, storm clouds gathering, and no balloons in sight. What could have ended as a very uneventful trip was all changed when we found ourselves at this sweet little spot.

The initial plan was to find a spot where we could at least see them blowing up the balloons but I think all thoughts of balloons flew out of my head the moment I saw this dock. The place was quiet, green, and right on the water. The threat of a storm meant the smell of rain in the air and a soft breeze ruffling our hair. At first sight, I was already completely and utterly taken in.

I've put the rest of the post after the jump because of the photo vomit. It's been a while since I posted something this loaded. So I'm sorry if this screws up your page loading or if your wrist falls off from scrolling. =D But like Siyan said, it was so hard picking photos to blog. And I've always sucked at editing myself anyway.

We were all 'shutterbugging' and testing each other's cameras out.

Okay, maybe not 'we'. More like 'me' nosily trying out Drea's camera as well.

At one point, quite a lot of people came onto the dock so things got a bit crowded. Obviously we did not care much and were shamelessly running around barefoot and climbing onto things not meant to be climbed on.

The dock was placed in a spot where the sun set right in front of you.

I've always loved how the colour of the sky changes so fast and so dramatically at every sunrise and sunset.

Watching the water mirror the sky's every colour was a moment so perfect in itself.

It rained for a little while which meant that everyone else ran for shelter.

It also meant we had the place to ourselves again. Can I get a loud yay? =P

Siyan decided she wanted to dance and Liwengg joined her.

This is one of my favourite shots from that day.

There you go. Reach as high as you want, the sky's waiting. =)

Drea.

Words cannot describe how glad I am that her moving to Taylor's didn't mean we'd be any less close. If anything, the plan the three of us hatched for this year was something completely unexpected and thus far has only been a blessing and nothing less.

Night fell and still we stayed on.

Spy the three girls. ;)

I cannot remember the last time I felt like this.

Last shot before leaving for the night.

One measly balloon as we were leaving. We didn't mind. =)

At any rate, at least we got to see ONE balloon right? Lol.

And at least Siyan got a dramatic fireball shot of the only balloon we saw.

Though to be honest, on hindsight, I'm really glad there were no balloons after all.

Highway cruisin'.

The bridge which kept us company that entire evening.

The drive home consisted of breaking speed limits (thanks to Liwengg), loud music (the radio was playing songs of heartache and good girls gone bad, which had us all in stitches), and wild, windswept hair.

It's ironic how my past few posts have mentioned dreams of brilliant pink and orange skies, and the need to run around barefoot chasing sunbeams and here it was. All my wishes colliding together in one evening.

It was exactly the kind of spiritual and emotional healing I've been needing for so long and it reminded me again of the need to live and breathe simply because reasons like bare feet and pink skies exist.

And like Siyan said, the photos are still making us smile. A blessing, and magic. What else? ;)

I'm planning another trip back there soon and am already excited to revisit the place.

Raging hormones

2010-03-27T01:34:00.000+08:00

Some days happiness seems like above.

Other days it seems pretty near.

I must be PMSing.

Because tonight I remembered again the time you called me pathetic.

You're echoing in my head and it won't get quiet.

The fact that I'm pathetic to you really doesn't bother me most days.

But it's making me cry tonight.

I must be PMSing.

There is no other reason for this.

I'm off to bed.
And when I wake up, it will be another shot at sunshine and smiles again.

I'll tell you what hurts.

Realizing the people you love can live perfectly without you.